One cannot help but note 2020 has kicked off with a serious squelch; like slam dunking a sun-baked ham into a toilet, heard around the world. One can find themselves lost amid the noise, as progressively the wisdom of the ages is buried under incorrectly attributed quotes.
But there is hope and that hope doesn’t reside in critical thought, testing of theory, or engaging with alternative points of view. No one got time for that, Dancing With the Stars is in its 28th season! How is that even possible? The show isn’t 28 years old! Did you know there’s a war in the Mideast?! What the hell is going on here?!
No! The future as we know it will be dominated instead by completely accurate internet scholarship, pursued by utterly honest politicos, interested only in expanding collective understanding of why their political opponents are literally Hitler.
As an utterly honest and outstandingly violent criminal, I know what I’m talking about here. So without further ado, I present the greatest quotes in history, totally and honestly sourced.
“Winning political arguments on Facebook is the way, the truth, and the light. He whosoever badgers their interlocutor for sources and citations shall not taste of death, but shall enjoy tripe, everlasting.”
Luke Skywalker Saga 9:12
The only defense a tyrant has against humor is writing a sternly worded editorial which manages to demonstrate exactly what the comedian was talking about.
Mark Twain, How Stupid Are You Anyway?
“Good thoughts and good words are good enough. Good deeds are the height of class privilege. If your friends on social media think you’re kind, that is enough.”
Zoroaster, Some Book I Didn’t Read
“All are a product of their environment, except capitalist swine and Jimmy Dean sausages, they are a meat product.”
Ayn Rand, Atlas Hugged It Out
“The definition of insanity is unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or that releases one from criminal or civil responsibility.”
Albert Einstein, Things I Totally Said to Someone on a Plane
“I came, I saw, I discussed the positive and negative ramifications of implementing widespread economic reform in an open and vigorously debated forum.”
Gaius Julius Caesar, Commentaries on Communism and Other Totally Great Ideas on How to Seize Power in a Republic
“Jeffrey Epstein killed himself.”
Hillary Clinton, Why I Lost But Totally Didn’t Lose
“Fuck your mouth, soy boy.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations in Walmart
“World War III seems pretty tame so far.”
Ali Khomeini, Contemplating the Evitable
Armed with these quotes, the next generation is equipped to simply react to events as they arise, so open-minded they are incapable of critical rationalism. Go forth and spread the word to make a better tomorrow; a world where epistemology no longer means the study of knowledge, but is instead a study of social media movements.
And always remember the immortal words of the prophet Pharaoh Ramses II, “Well that’s just like, your opinion, man.”