Epimetheus and Pandora’s Box, Historicism, and This Town Kills Fascists

Epimetheus, after reading Pandora’s well-written analysis in support of stimulating the Hellenic economy.

Most are aware of Prometheus, the Titan of ancient myth who gave man fire and birthed countless Fire Departments upon countless municipalities complete with countless calendars. Not all are aware of his idiot brother, Epimetheus. This is evident to me based on the fact the spell-checker for this word processor flags Epimetheus as a misspelling. The fool!

Prometheus and Epimetheus were Titans in Greek mythology, Titans being the generation of primordial entities which predate the standard gods everyone enjoys making comic books and movies out of. I assume this is because they’re out of ideas and their divine subjects land squarely in the public domain. Regardless of a dying Hollywood, the Gods were the children of the Titans and as is typical in Greek mythology, the Gods determined to do away with their parents so they could have their stuff. After a giant battle, the King of the Gods Zeus threw most the Titans into the darkest pit of the underworld called 8Chan and swallowed the key. Since the Gods (and Titans) don’t appear to poop, that more or less meant throwing it away, but represented a more permanent solution in addition to saving on monthly storage costs.

Not all the Titans were imprisoned, however, as not all the Titans resisted the Gods. Prometheus and Epimetheus were spared imprisonment and instead were given duties in the new administration. Epimetheus’ duty involved securing a human woman named Pandora and protecting a certain box, which was never to be opened. So far as I can tell, the best way to ensure a box is opened is to say it should never be opened. The stupid little Titan, whose named literally meant “Afterthought” allowed the box to be opened by his equally foolish little human, as he was not capable of forethought or considering what was in the box at all. He couldn’t consider what he couldn’t consider. Thusly, the box unleashed countless horrors upon the world the likes of Hate, Fear, and Human Resources. In a manner typical of afterthought and its twin irritant hindsight, on reflection, Epimetheus felt perhaps opening the box was a mistake. I know American voters like that and I wager they sympathize.

Historicism (a topic I am more or less obsessed with as a boring person) is defined loosely by a variety of different people who have been slandered as “thinkers”. And as is typical of “thinkers” they all believe they have a different, valid definition better than the rest. But as these definitions all have to do with an attempt to interpret “history” which itself is merely an interpretation of events enjoying the dubious distinction of documentation, the whole affair is entirely academic. To be clear, calling something “entirely academic” is the same as calling something “completely stupid.” In any event, documented or otherwise, the interpretation of history is necessarily an act of hindsight. Epimetheus is therefore also the God of Historicism and his historicist acolytes are quite often just as foolish as he was. Go figure.

This is not to confuse historians with historicists, though they are often the same creature. The historian simply documents and catalogs, but the historicist attempts to craft narratives from these documents. These narratives are almost certainly incorrect, but that has never stopped the absolutely certain before, and there is precious little reason to believe they have learned the errors of their ways, considering the popularly vapid historicists of the modern day. Notable historicists include: Edward Gibbon, Karl Marx, Adolf Hitler, Your Drunk Uncle, 99% of journalists, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Adolf Hitler not pictured.

To date, historicists have offered differing explanations of historical events. Gibbon, in his still very admirable work The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, accuses laziness, femininity, and Christianity for the inevitable destruction of the Romans. Karl Marx, everywhere he went and in everything he wrote, accuses history of inevitably moving forward through class-struggle between the people who were rich and the people who were not. Adolf Hitler believed history inevitably moved forward however individual men exerting their absurd wills on the rest of the sheep felt like moving history forward. Your Drunk Uncle believes a strange combination of the first three and journalists tend to do the same. Ocasio-Cortez believes whatever is a convenient narrative to move her career forward is how history inevitably moves forward. In addition, she enjoys adding a fun splash of racist interpretation (“thinkers” call it critical race theory and teach it in universities as a serious pursuit) tempered with equity and intersectional politics in place of eugenics. Event A occurred? Racism!

The common theme here, other than the arrogance it takes to presume one knows how history works and the reduction of people into the statistics and a supposed “spirit” of their time, is these interpretations all involve inevitability. They just take different, drunken stabs at the “force” inevitably propelling it all forward. For Gibbon, it is decadence brought on from overly-comfortable living, an idea which I assume he cooked up while enjoying a an overly-comfortable existence. For Marx it is economics, easily imagined as he never held a job. For Hitler it is the ubermensch with more than a splash of racism and eugenics, as he was an absolute and utter egomaniacal turd-burgler. The remainder are just confused opportunists, though just as incorrect. All these ideas have been skewered, exceptions to these supposed rules are countless, and yet these interpretations are still popular. After very little thought, one presumes they are simply the easiest to accept with very little thought.

I poke a lot of fun and shovel a ton of shit at socialists, as where I find myself residing as of this writing, the locals don’t seem to be aware how gods damned stupid socialists are. Quite often, I am accused of being a fascist by such idiots and I’m becoming used to such slanders, which once incensed me. I only mention this as it provides a wonderful segue into my next topic, which is to poke a lot of fun and shovel a ton of shit at fascists. Ironically (if you’re a socialist, anyway) the very same reasons socialists are idiots are the same reasons fascists are. I mean, that’s why they hate each other so much; they see each other in the other. Just ask Poland, they’ve sadly dealt with both in the not so far past, and they’ve had enough of all of these historicist ass clowns.

Fascists derive their historicism from a few sources which are not coincidentally the same sources as socialists and I don’t mean the New York Times or other former newspapers. Friedrich Hegel, possibly one of the biggest frauds and charlatans ever, was the state-philosopher of the Prussian Empire, and as such, he never had anything even remotely interesting or reasonable to say about anything. Sadly, he is still relevant, however. He believed history moved forward through something called dialectics, which he represented with the idea of a hypothesis and antithesis smashing together to produce synthesis. Argument A is a hypothesis, Argument B is its opposite antithesis, and when smashed together they produce Argument AB, the synthesis and outcome containing elements of both. In reality it turns out, these “arguments” are usually mobs of people, attempting to slaughter whoever they perceive as opposition. Karl Marx took this idea and altered it a bit, claiming it as his own with a class-struggle spin we all know and suffer today around the dinner table whenever our cousin from Eugene, who has never left the United States, graces us with their wit around the Thanksgiving dinner table. He then encourages such behavior, since he would never have had to suffer the consequences of it anyway.

Fast forward to Adolf Hitler, possibly the most vile creature ever to have slithered across the earth, who took the same view of history. But he’d read Nietzsche (astonishing to realize Hitler could read) in addition to Hegel and Marx, so he’d encountered the idea of an ubermensch. As an egotistical turd-burgling twat, he naturally presumed he himself was this ubermensch, without considering for a moment perhaps the ubermensch should have been able to at least draw a picture properly, rather than simply give speeches and getting gassed during the first World War. He added a racial element to the whole fever-dream as well, taking the idea of German identity and making it an ethnic one, with Germans being the master-race somehow despite experiencing a serious shellacking in the first World War and 90% of history. Recall to the historicist, exceptions to their theoretical rules aren’t exceptions, no matter how numerous. They’re data points to be discarded or waved away as “talking points” from the opposition.

The story of Hitler’s rise to power is one of intolerance, violence in the streets, bombs, and speeches referring to perceived historical injustices, with the demand they be addressed in the present. I won’t narrate it here, one can simply watch a single World War II documentary on Netflix and its algorithm will drown the unlucky and regretfully curious viewer with more content on the subject than any reasonable human could ever wish to consume. Let’s just say he was the alpha-idiot, preaching to other idiots, about the inevitable rise of German power and the genetic inferiority of other “races”. This becomes amusing only in the sense Jesse Owens, a black American competing in the 1936 Olympics held in Berlin, personally demonstrated the absurdity of these claims. Raking in four gold medals, Mr. Owens embarrassed the hell out of these fascist turds in ways no speech from Mrs. Hitler could ever undo. One smiles, ear to inferior American ear, at the idea. Of course, such discrediting was never necessary, racial superiority is an absurdity on its own face, but by gods, demonstration is always satisfying.

The Great Jesse Owens, who gifted Adolf Hitler a serious drug habit.

Recall yet again however, exceptions to historicist rules are not viewed as exceptions. They are ignored and waved away. Although in this case, I like to think Hitler developed his legendary drug habit in response to Owens’ Olympic victories, prompting the Fuhrer to begin taking his version of Viagra, hardcore methamphetamine. Again, a shit-eating grin forms as I imagine the Fuhrer of Lost Causes enjoying his own shit with the dry mouth and dead tongue one experiences during intense meth benders.

But I have become sidetracked. To skip over countless atrocities, tens of millions dead, a well-deserved racist suicide (likely the only honorable action of his life), and yet another World War ended, we still have fascists among us. These twats go by many names, but rarely that of the ignominious fascist moniker, though they find no shame in being such. These assholes believe Might Makes Right and they definitely lost the war, so they simply do not consider themselves fascists openly. Their fragile egos, built on fragile pseudo-sciences cannot bear the strike of losing a massive war they started, so they redefine themselves. The historicist’s immunity to evidence strikes again. These days, these cognitively-challenged morons call themselves ethnic-nationalists, or if they’re really interested in blending in due to a hilarious sense of shame and rare moment of self-awareness, they simply call themselves nationalists. To be clear, not all nationalists are fascist, ethnic-nationalists desiring a gloriously inbred future. But all fascist, ethnic-nationalists are nationalists. This is a surprisingly difficult concept for the dim to grasp, or the lazy, and yet it remains true. I will not mention the names of any of these champions of incest as I do not believe they deserve any sort of publicity; as they eat up airtime as a starving yoga instructor inhales kale. There is no such thing as bad publicity, whether negative or otherwise. Ask Ayn Rand.

I encountered these products of inbred, historicist theory personally, growing up in my hometown of Spokane, Washington. In my teens, the nearest city to Spokane of any note was Coeur d’Alene in Idaho, just across the border where absolutely everything was cheaper (I refer to less onerous taxes, particularly cigarettes) and quite a bit more (I refer to strip club “decency laws”) naked in general. Unfortunately, the raw, racist cock-gobbling twats residing in the area were also a bit more open about their raw, racist cock-gobbling twattery. CDA (I hate typing out Coeur d’Alene) suffered a white supremacist group in the neighborhood, who operated and owned a compound some miles out in the (woodsy) Idaho suburbs near Hayden Lake. From this nest of filth and villainy without the diversity, the mold would ride into town and put on their little man parades. They did this solely to piss off the locals, abuse the rights granted to all United States citizens, and claimed the United States was a white ethnic-state. But mostly, they did this simply to get their slack-jawed mugs on television. They thrived on attention, they demanded it, and they needed it to propagate their sad little species. Sadly, they got it.

I won’t bore you with my activities with Antifa, an organization-that-is-not-an-organization (for all their talk of “organized action” they couldn’t set up a lemonade stand, permit or not) which has become more prominent recently, due to the childlike nature of American journalists and their strangely credulous readers. But I was with Antifa, I considered myself a SHARP (Skinhead Against Racial Prejudice) and we did not enjoy the wannabe-Nazi skinheads (we called them boneheads) at all. The whole skinhead sub-culture is somewhat complicated, but it isn’t rooted in racism as journalists have again asserted, quite the opposite, really. But another time for that.

There were fights, weapons used, idiots abused, unkind words and bricks hurled through the innocent air, and all manner of violence and “organized” resistance to what amounted to be an issue the business community took care of anyway. This all occurred in conjunction with the courts decimating the fascists financially, which is exactly where the disrespect I had at the time for the rule of law evaporated. Or rather, it subsided a bit. The Idaho courts seized their silly compound in an assault case brought against a local bonehead and granted it to the victim, an elderly black woman. I saw this and found the outcome beyond pleasing and appropriate. But I didn’t know the business community had enticed consumers away from the Nazi parade route with free goods until after I had moved away, to the once beautiful city of Seattle. If I had, perhaps I would have experienced a bit more respect for business-people in my younger days, but perhaps not. Probably not. Definitely not. Still, witnessing the Rule of Law acting for justice for once was eye-opening for me, if not for my now ex-Antifa compatriots.

Antifa combat fascism, but the business community they also hate does a better job of it. So they hate business, too.

So we have a difference in tactics here and I must confess I had been pushing for the wrong ones. I was an acolyte of the dumbest of the Titans, Epimetheus, and I didn’t know it. I had nothing but contempt for the business community at the time and viewing the second World War, I believed the only way to deal with Nazis and their ilk was to beat them into a bloody stain, preferably with a padlock on a chain to save my delicate, lady-like knuckles. It never once occurred to me to simply ignore the dumb motherfuckers, and that is precisely how they withered on the vine. Without anyone to witness their dumbfuck parade in CDA, as the businesses not on the parade route offered free goods on parade days to create a ghost town, they quit having parades. In hindsight and to the acolytes of Epimetheus, this seems obvious now. I was stuck in the past, looking back for tactics which had worked then, not considering tactics which would work now.

The answer appropriate to a plural, business society like the United States was not violence, it was to starve them of attention. What worked in the 40's, was not what worked in the 90’s. It could be foolish to believe what worked in the 90’s could work in the 2010’s or 2020’s. But with the advent of social media, even a little attention feels like a lot of attention, and any idiot (including yours truly) can make it seem their beliefs are widespread.

It doesn’t seem the “Punch a Nazi” crowd understands this and it could be beneficial to tell them. This is risky of course, as I can personally attest, since anyone who tends to oppose the tactics of Antifa are labeled a fascist simply for opposing the tactics of Antifa. This is because Antifa, and those who are sympathetic to street thugs, are slobbering idiots who fail to see the similarities between the fascist white-nationalists and the fascists in Antifa. Oh? Did I neglect to mention Antifa is 90% communists? I probably did. They are. Communist and fascist tactics are almost identical in terms of where and when violence is appropriate. Both groups will say, “Always.”

I am ashamed to say I learned the similarities through experience.

Attempted humorist, hobo historian, and complete idiot. Follow at RBLamb.SubStack.com for new stuff.