President Biden Threatens Sanctions Against Miami

Demands Miami transition to democracy immediately

President Biden recalls that time he cruised Ocean Drive back when Miami was a democracy and had less Cubans.

Following the February 1st coup overthrowing and imprisoning the democratically elected government of Myanmar, President Biden issued a stern warning against the City of Miami.

“While we could excuse and explain away the budding concentration camps in the region over the last couple years as the previous administration’s fault, the recent military coup against the free nation-state of Miami cannot stand. They… what? What the hell is Myanmar? I’m talking about Miami. C’mon, man. Try to keep up.”

At the time of writing, the Office of the President had been scrambling to review the legal status of Miami to determine whether American military intervention was necessary. There also appeared to be some confusion over whether the recent coup was enough like the riot at the Capitol on January 6th to warrant blaming it on his predecessor, Donald Trump.

An unnamed source relates:

“While what happened is definitely a coup, both in the United States and in Myanmar, it isn’t clear if the involvement of the military makes it an insurrection as well. Our focus groups determined ‘insurrection’ sounds nastier to the idiot on the street than coup so we started calling the January 6th thing that. Also, there was evidence people weren’t buying our coup bullshit at all.”

Press Secretary Psaki could also be seen running laps around the White House, muttering to herself about “circling back" and knuckling her forehead while the Presidential dogs nipped at her heels. You’ll get there eventually, Mrs. Secretary. We’re all rooting for you.

The latest news release assures us President Biden has been fed the proper medications and is now having himself a nap. The excitement seems to have tuckered him right out.

More news as details become available and I finish this bottle of Jack off.