The Inauguration of the Crypt-Keeper

All the splendor and majesty a nation in decline can push out

Joe Biden discussing adoption law reform with Russian representatives in Trump Tower.

On January 20th, 2021, a historic moment is taking place.

Behind the openly liberal and sharply inviting perimeter of razor-wire encircling an utterly vacant National Mall in Washington D.C., a mostly inoffensive and bumbling, awe shucks idiot of a man will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. He will be hopped-up on a variety of medications for the event, since his collapsing in the middle of the thing would be considered somewhat poor optics. People seem to believe he will survive the next four years and his handlers figure if FDR hid his decrepit illnesses from the public in order to stay in office, why not Biden?

It couldn’t be avoided of course. The 46th President is mostly a corpse due to the 45th President being a literal ball of corpulent, kinetic energy. Over the course of four years, President Trump supposedly tweeted out his personal brand of combative nosebleeds onto social media over 34,000 times; likely while enjoying his daily constitutional on the Presidential Commode. About the only regularity the man brought to government was his fiber-fueled dailies. This was exhausting for people who spend far too much time being exhausted about politicians.

Now, an astutely boring critic could complain I cannot prove the majority of his communiques with the American people and the world occurred while passing roughage through his colon. This is fair. I cannot. Nor would I want to attempt such.

But, if we charitably assume he is a human being while also understand there’s not much else to do but scroll social media while pushing out dinner, it still seems highly likely the 45th President of the United States communicated to the world in between grunts and huffs and puffs atop the only throne the American people allow their Presidents. We shall suffer no kings and kings have big chairs; our Presidents must be satisfied with a toilet. All the same, some of our Presidents have been more than satisfied with toilets. Some have conducted State business from atop them, in all the regal splendor they afford. We are not descended from fearful men.

But toilet-thrones aside, I have it on excellent authority — that would be a couple neighbors, one of whom says taking things for granite and another that picks their nose in public without any semblance of shame whatsoever — that progressive, liberal Americans are prepared for positive, substantive change in Washington D.C. When pressed on what sort of change they mean, they mention it means going back in time to a golden past wherein legendary, unimpeachable heroes held the reins of government. I am not allowed to mention this is, in fact, the bedrock foundation for reactionary conservatives. Not if I don’t want a brick tossed in my window, anyway. There is no deeper insult in my neighborhood than to call someone a conservative. I feel dirty even just writing the word.

In any event, after the last four years of toilet tweeting and chaos, it is small surprise the swamp would begin to fill itself back in with known names and political insiders who have been in charge of the thing for decades by now. Who better to sit atop the crumbling edifice as a lightning rod to soak up negative-but-not-too-negative press reports but a doddering, lifeless old white man who has to be eased into experiencing oval rooms to not feel overwhelmed and confused? After promising to like, totally not poison him, Kamala Harris will handle his daily schedule and medications, while he plays with model sports cars on the Oval Office floor.

Better the geriatric idiot we know, goes the thinking.

Joseph “Crypt-Keeper” Biden will be sworn in by Chief Justice John “I Don’t Know What a Tax Is” Roberts after a parade of celebrities and other empty husks we’re supposed to listen to try to make us listen to how great this guy is. As performers who read from scripts, they’ll fit right in among the swamp things assembled to inaugurate the Crypt-Keeper. More than that, their made for television personas will perfectly align with the principles of the incoming administration. The entire thing will, for the most part, be televised from behind a wall covered in razor-wire. An open air studio, stoutly defended from all those unemployed and hungry victims of society itching to riot.

This will be the first salvo fired in the new Harris-Biden Administration’s program for the unification of America, which they tell us we desperately need right now. Nothing says coming together like calling individuals who wanted to build a wall between the United States and Mexico savage racists for four years and then building a wall between the United States Government and every single American in the country; with themselves firmly on the fancy side of it. The side with all the cake.

Still, there will be attendees for the inauguration.

In place of human beings, who as already mentioned can quite easily be accused of harboring racist ideas or any ideas at all really, there will instead be 250,000 flags planted in the ground in neat, ordered rows. These flags will represent the people of the United States. It will be understood due to campaign rhetoric of the last year and media commentary of the last four, 110,000 of those flags are confirmed white supremacists. Biden’s first act after being sworn in as Commander-in-Chief will be to address himself to the flags directly. Even in his young, party-in-the-back-business-in-the-front mullet sporting days, Joe Biden could be relied on to fuck something up, according to his best friend Barack Obama, anyway.

We know. Shit, I’m a liberal and I can’t stop making fun of you.

I suspect we need a fact check on that.

But no matter.

Joseph R. Biden Jr. will be officially sworn in as the 46th President of the United States and Kamala Harris will also be there laughing hysterically at society rewarding her for being super-duper tough on crime. She seems to think this is how humans normally behave. The Black Lives Matter movement will celebrate those responsible for crafting the language of the 1994 Crime Bill and enforcing it as they go about setting historic precedent as the first Corpse and the first African-American Hyena-Lady Hybrid to be elected as President and Vice President of the United States.

If I could offer a personal note here… I believe this to be an utterly inspiring and wonderfully uplifting thing. The United States truly is the New World, where one can leave everything from the past behind; especially and including their history in Congress and as Attorney General for the great suck hole of California. Yesterday doesn’t matter anymore than today does, why should a horrendous record prevent opportunistic liars from achieving the highest office in the land?

With President Trump, we determined an utter lack of a political record was desirable. With President Harris, we determined an utter lack of humanity in a political record was desirable. A truly inspiring example of progress.

If you disagree, well you’re likely just one of the 110,000 inanimate yet racist flags at the inauguration.

Here are a couple fun precedents for comparing politicians to the Crypt-Keeper. The only one offended should be the Crypt-Keeper, honestly. Not even he wants anything to do with these people.

Attempted humorist, hobo historian, and complete idiot. Follow at for new stuff.