Welcome to Bud and Soil™

Der Führer und Freunds rooting Jesse Owens on at the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games. PHOTO: Wikipedia Commons

Welcome to Bud and Soil™ where environmental and racial awareness meet to provide hardy vegetarian fare guaranteed to get you restoring your nation’s glorious past! Ubermensches may not need the approval of the degenerates they rule, but they still need our delicious chickpea chutney!

Here at Bud and Soil™ we believe geese are for stepping, not for eating. Der Führer— totally still alive and high kicking in Argentina — required only a steady diet of chickpeas, wheat grass, and methamphetamine. No meat whatsoever. And he turned out great. All the more impressive for a man of 132 years old!

Whatever is good enough for Der Führer is definitely good enough for you lot of subhuman maggots. Our grub promises the energy to crack down on liberal arts majors and homosexuals, atheists, communists, socialists, dog walkers, anarchists, libertarians, democrats, republicans, Quakers, Albert Einstein, bartenders, Anne Frank, Viktor Frankl, Jews, Pineapple Pizza Eaters, intellectuals, tap dancers, minorities of all kinds, and so many more! We solemnly promise to never run out of enemies.

What’s that you say? There are gay Nazis now? Of course there are! We scored our first Fruit Nazi in Austin just a few years ago and we couldn’t be happier with the little pillow biting hooligan. We are a tolerant Party these days.

We don’t have a problem with the gays anymore, we just hate liberals. No one can accuse National Socialism of not being progressive! Progressing towards a genetically pure, monochromatic and inbred society where no one is leaderless or left to think for themselves. Because glory!

Also, don’t call us Nazis. That’s a slur and probably hate speech. We’re ethnic nationalists who want the State to own the means of production. For the benefit of the people. Unless they’re brown or black or Jewish or atheist or in any other way different from us. What’s so wrong about that? I’m not making puppy dog eyes, you’re making puppy dog eyes!

It is possible you may be feeling squeamish about dining indoors amid a COVID-19 pandemic, but worry not herrs und frauleins. Vaccination papers will be verified at the door. This is Form ESX-7634. Don’t forget it! We can’t issue rations without authorization papers. We can’t do anything without the proper papers. Es ist verboten. The law is absolute and you’re free to follow it or be shot in the name of freedom. The State, as God, has no mercy.

Even if you’re a filthy, unnatural, and unvaccinated deviant, you will be provided with a complimentary jab. We have both the J&J vaccine and sterilization options. Sometimes the labels on these things get mixed up, but it should be fine. Zwei fliegen mit einer klappe! That’s German for I’m here to help.

After your mandatory vaccination and/or sterilization, you’ll discover we have no menus at Bud and Soil™. The individual cannot be allowed to choose their meals nor make any decisions at all. That would be utter chaos and play right into those AntiPho™ losers’ hands. We’re all about order here, those guys are just animals. Instead, our Reichschefs will choose what you’ll be enjoying in this sad time of historical and cultural degeneracy. And you will enjoy it. Or else.

A further mandatory period of appreciation after your compulsory enjoyment of a dish like our Blitzkrieg Baba Ganoush is also required. Five star Yelp reviews? Also mandatory, in addition to providing names. We have ways of making you talk. Like feeding you our fabulous Reichsorganisationslentils! They are always the talk of the town and even if they don’t make you talk they’re certain to make you shit for a few days. Or else.

All that remains is the question of the Final Solution. By which we mean the check! We accept all manner of payment options, but prefer illicitly obtained artwork. We take sculptures, paintings, drawings, gold teeth, you name it. As long as it isn’t nailed down — too hard anyway — we’ll take it all.

If you thought we’d be done with you after the Final Solution, you’re in for a surprise! After paying up you’ll be provided with several forms to fill out. Not for any reason, we just really love paperwork. We love categorizing and filing stuff even more than we love retrofitting old shower heads, which is saying quite a lot.

Payment provided, forms filled out, and the stomach of your nation stuffed with superior dirt fruit, you’ll then either be deported from the restaurant or assimilated into The Party. You’ll know which just as soon as your results come back from That outfit operates in the back, so results are quick. No need to spit in a tube, we’ve got your spoons.

You’re either with us or against us in these trying times of political polarization. But in either event, we promise to make you a shameful man obsessed with unearned ethnic pride. But you’ll be surrounded by others just as stupid, so it won’t seem shameful at all. You’ll feel like you’re a part of something bigger than yourself. An inbred something.

No need to danke us. We’re compelled to do this. By GOD and Führer. But we repeat ourselves. It’s just the reich thing to do. Or else.

The reference to a gay Nazi is not created out of nothing. Down in Austin there is a fellow who ran security for such dullards as Richard Spencer and not just for the paycheck. He is onboard with their silly kampf and appreciated by his mouth breathing brothers in harms.

Interested in getting a hold of me? Good luck! I have a real job in addition to writing and I ignore my inbox with the same passion his Reichsministers ignored Hitler’s cognitive decline and obvious drug addictions.

Still, if you must, you can find me at some of the phishing holes below and if the gods favor you, I may write back. The best way to get my attention is to buy one of my books or subscribe on SubStack for FREE, though. I recommend the travel journal book, it’s funny and mostly true.

Books For Sale:




Attempted humorist, thrice acquitted.

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R.B. Lamb

R.B. Lamb

Attempted humorist, thrice acquitted.

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